“My past is NOT who I am!”

Psalms 32:5 NLT
“Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
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I had recently found myself in a place where I unpacked in guilt city. I allowed myself to revisit my past and focus on what I had done, who I had  done it with and was beating myself up about it. It’s caused quite a bit of discouragement and disappointment, because I found myself asking those hard questions. “How could I continue to give my body to those men who didn’t deserve it and who weren’t my husband?”
“How could I let him treat me like that when I claim to be a Queen who does Queen things?” “How could I talk inappropriately when I claim I’m educated?” “How could I be mean and impatient when I claim I’m a child of God and made in his image?”

All of these hard questions came to mind because I’ve never confessed any of these things to God. I’ve always sinned, asked for forgiveness and moved on. I never allowed myself time to go before God to really heal and deal. When I truly became intentional about living my best life and chasing after God wholeheartedly I realized that it was going to take some work. Work that not only included being a better me today and in the future, but work that included me addressing those things of my past that I’ve tried so hard to forget. I’ve learned that the past is the past and regardless of what terrible decisions you’ve made and who you’ve made them with, you cannot change it. You can avoid it and act as if it never happened, but there will come a time where you’re faced to deal with the things you’ve tried so hard to forget. I’ve learned that it is better to address, heal and deal than to ignore, hide and run. The most amazing thing is that you’re connected to the plug...God! There are some things in my past that I will take to my grave that even my closest friends or family members will never know about. However, I also recognize that it still needs to be dealt with so that’s when God steps in and does his best work, because he knows EVERYTHING!

God loves us and the moment we confess with our hearts, he forgives us. However, learning to forgive yourself takes work as well, but it is necessary. Part of dealing with your past is learning how to forgive yourself and then walking in that forgiveness. I can attest to the fact that it is easier said than done, but there’s nothing too hard for God. You have to be willing to accept the things of your past, be willing to trust God and trust the process of dealing with your past and be patient because it’s not an overnight process. Truthfully, there’s no time limit, just a on time God. A wise woman once told me, “It happened, now what?” I believe that this statement applies to the things of our past. It happened, you can’t change it, but you can overcome it. Your past is not who you are, so overcome it and live your best life!

“The past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased. It can only be accepted.”-Artist Unknown

The Truth About Losing a Parent

Before I began I will be completely transparent; I am not perfect and I absolutely struggled with writing this because I didn't want anyone to view me as trying to be perfect. However, it was placed on my spirit to address this topic because someone needs to hear this. Someone is struggling with this very same battle but feels as though no one understands their hurt. Someone is struggling with this very same battle but feels as though too much time has passed for them to have the same emotions. What battle are we talking about? The battle of losing a parent.

 My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer while I was in elementary school. Fearful as any child would be, my mother reassured my siblings and I that she would make it through this. I had no doubt in my mind that she would. My mother was a strong Christian woman. She did exactly what she said she would, she fought as hard as she could and the cancer went into remission. We went on about our lives and got back to how things were before this happened. Years later the cancer came back. Studies show that once breast cancer comes back it comes back more aggressive than it was before. Even with this knowledge, my mother once again reassured us that she was going to fight this. She fought like a warrior and the more aggressive the cancer became the harder she fought. We were a praying household so we began to pray despite the severity of the situation this time. Eventually we came to an end with this battle. The doctors told us that there was nothing left that they could do and the best thing for us to do was prepare ourselves. I remember going to bed that night and reminding God that we had a deal; He was going to heal my mother and I would be the perfect daughter, student, dancer, etc. Shortly after this conversation, my mother reminded me that God had the final say. From that moment, I had peace. If someone on their death bed could still trust and believe God..........then I needed to get my life! Eventually, my mother took her last breath on this earth and was finally at rest with our heavenly father.

 

Losing a parent is probably one of the hardest things to go through. You have this person who taught you everything; from riding a bike to how to dismiss yourself from a room when adults are talking. Then all of a sudden they're no longer physically here. You try to make yourself believe that it's a really bad dream until you wake up the next day and your house is full of family and friends, your phone and Facebook is piled with condolences and your eyes are dry from crying yourself to sleep the night before. Let me be the first to tell you, it is something that you will never completely get over. However, it is something that has the potential to heal over time. Why do I say potential? I say that because you have to allow yourself the opportunity to heal. To this day, I struggle with dealing with my emotions. You are entitled to your emotions, but the healing comes when you understand that you can't dwell in them. It's also giving your anger to God and understanding that he didn't take your parent away from you to punish you. God loves you like crazy. So although it may seem easier to be upset with him, it won't help. It's amazing how God works! Your parent may no longer be here and there will never be another person on this earth to replace them; however, God has placed people in your life that will still guide you, protect you and love you like a parent should. Pray your way through those weak moments (birthdays, holidays, etc.) and don't allow the enemy to take control over your mind. You still have purpose on this earth. What you went through was not in vain. There is still such an amazing amount of greatness in you that is just waiting for you to step out in faith and spread it across the world. Also, guess what? Your parent is still watching over you, cheering you on from heaven and sitting next to God! Your parent is so proud of you so keep living your life and make them proud.

You still have a future

Childhood memories are full of stories that bring their own set of emotions. Can you think back to when you were trying to learn how to ride a bike? You were so excited  because you were so ready for the independence and to show all your friends that you had mastered the skill of learning to ride a bike. Once you got on the bike for the first time, you realized that it wasn't as easy as you thought it would be and in the learning process you fell slam off the bike, ouch ! You felt disappointed, discouraged and embarrassed because its like, "how hard can it be to learn how to ride a bike!" Some falls even left a scar that reminded you of that terrible fall. Even though it hurt and you were completely embarrassed you decided to get back on the bike and try again despite the outcome of your first attempt. You might not have gotten it on the second or third try but after a while, you finally learned how to ride the bike!

Sometimes because of our past mistakes and bad decisions we are scared to step out on faith because we are fearful of history repeating itself (kind of like the bike). In life some mistakes that we make really don't have an effect on us but some mistakes or bad decisions have major consequences. So we get to a point to where we realized we made a really big mess and we go to God and tell him that if he gets us out of this one, we will never do it again ! We tell God that if he cleans this mess up we will attend church every week and join every ministry in the church; from the parking lot ministry to the choir ! However, what we fail to realize is that if we are going to live for God then it's going to take more than just words; we are going to have to put those words into action. You see, we ask God to move like never before without realizing the power in what we are saying. There is something great that God wants to do through us but it will require us to step out on faith and trust him like never before.  We counter argue Gods instructions by reminding him that we are still trying to recover from the consequences of our past decisions. We must understand that the difference between then and now is we are not the same person we were back then. Maybe back then we were living for ourselves, doing things out of impatience and discontentment. Unlike our past, because God is in it this time.........if he brought us to it, he will bring us through it. He didn't bring us this far to leave us and he will never ever forsake us!

 

When following God's will for our life it doesn't mean that it will not come with it's own set of tests; it definitely will! If anything, it will be harder because it will require you to grow, and growing isn't comfortable. However, what's waiting for you after you have gone through the tests is so rewarding, not regret or consequences but a commencement ceremony. So don't allow your past to hold you back from what God has for you because your commencement ceremony is just the start of you walking into everything God has for you!

 

Ephesians 5:8(NLT) "For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light!"

Jeremiah 29:11(NLT) "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Love

I was once in this super dysfunctional relationship; but did I think that while I was in it? Absolutely not! And anyone who had anything negative to say was just a hater. I knew the relationship was a hot mess but I had invested so much time into that person and already married that person in my mind, I felt stuck! I felt like I had to work it out. Then the relationship ended and I was so lost……what do I do now? Who can I turn to? I didn’t even know who I was anymore; I had lost myself in that relationship! I was a complete wreck. I know some of you are wondering, “But Landra, what about God? Aren’t you like super saved?” Honestly, I wasn’t seeking God! That relationship had pulled me sooooo far away from God; going to God was the last thing on my mind. That relationship pulled me away from God but pushed me further into the world so what did I do? The usual break-up cycle; soak my pillow to Tank, Toni Braxton or Brian Mcknight. I had the worst attitude towards everyone I came into contact with, I was super jealous over my friend’s relationships; I turned to family and friends that would babysit my feelings……all that good stuff. But for some reason I kept coming up empty. So finally I gave up!

I started seriously dating God! What does it mean to date God? I spend time with him like crazy! When I wake up he’s the first person I want to hear from and the last person I want to hear from before I go to bed. When I’m spending time with him everything else has to go. No T.V., no phone, nothing that interrupts us. You know the same way you are when you start dating someone! You want to be with them all the time; you can’t wait until your day is over to tell them all about it, all that good stuff! See when I was in that dysfunctional relationship, that man’s life became my bible! I would be all over his social media page, over analyze the facts trying not to face the reality, I seriously studied his life! That is where I messed up! You see the thing I had failed to remember is that God is a jealous God and he doesn’t want any other God before him! Clearly that man became my God! So now dating God, I put him first in everything I do, if I feel like anything or anyone is even starting to get my attention over him, I automatically cut it off.  There’s this old song that says, “Falling in love with Jesus is the best thing I’ve ever done!” that is seriously how I feel. I can honestly say it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I have this list of everything I wanted in a man but I was so busy trying to get somebody’s son to love me, I was missing that the person with everything on my little list was right here all along….God! I prayed for someone who would just listen to me, someone who I felt comfortable being vulnerable to, someone I could trust, someone who would love me in spite of my mess, etc. I finally have that and all I had to do was fall back in love with the person who first loved me!

Now I do believe that God will one day bring his perfect match for me into my life. However, in order for me to know that that’s the person God has for me, I have to be able to hear from God; I can’t hear from God clearly if my heart is cluttered with unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousness, etc. So if you can’t figure out why you keep coming to a dead end in your relationships, why you can’t just find that one person that will just get you and never give up on you, get back to the main source. God is a jealous God and if you continue to put that man before him, it will never work! It’s a process but if you put in half the time with him just as you do with that man I can promise you it will work out soooo much better. He will never leave you and there is absolutely no one in this entire world that can do you like he can. So be patient, trust God and watch him work. Hats off to dating God!

Love Always, Lalandra Scriven
Remember: Experience is the best teacher

I'm Different

I recently found myself in this season feeling discouraged because I don't live the average college student life. My college life doesn't consist of partying every other night, dating this one and that one, etc. I became discouraged because I didn't understand why I just couldn't be normal? Even though I knew I couldn't get down like that because of my relationship with Christ I still had those group of girls that I ran with. Even though I wasn't about that life THEY were so I would have my times where I would allow the peer pressure to gain control over me and just give in. But guess what? It didn't feel right. I would go out and honestly I would just complain the whole time because that's not who I was anymore!!!! So I finally gave up, I went before God and I prayed and prayed and I cried and cried because he began to show me that I couldn't be like everyone else, he began to show me that I can't stay connected to those friends because I wasn't strong enough in my walk with him to have my own mind. I'll be honest, it sucked!!!! I felt like my life was sooooo boring!! You mean to tell me all I'm supposed to do is go to church, work, home and school? Ummm no thank you!!!! "God can you just use me after I graduate so I can get this out of my system" but when I honestly thought about it; I was headed for destruction!!!! If I would have listened to myself and not obey what God was telling me to do there is no telling WHERE I would be or WHAT I would be doing! I Literally, thank God for SAVING a wretch like me!!!!

So if you're a college student I wholeheartedly encourage you to stand strong in what you believe in. I know you want to be "normal" but you're not normal and that's okay. How can you walk around your school saying you're a Christian but the minute someone invites you to play a good ole fashion game of ping pong you get dressed faster than you would for church!!! With all the shootings and violence going on with our generation it is CRITICAL that we bring prayer and the word of God back to our schools. I know it's not easy and nobody's perfect, and luckily for us God isn't looking for perfection. When we mess up it's so easy to say "God knows my heart" you're right God does know your heart, so he knows if your heart is in the RIGHT place or not. It's not about being perfect, it's about making the decision to live right and being consistent with that decision. So stick to who you are, don't allow ANYONE to change you. I don't care how turnt up they can get, how fine he/she is. It's not worth it. Someone on that college campus needs God and the only way their going to get to know him is through you so be the change that somebody needs and be the change you want to see.

Love always, Lalandra Scriven

Remember: Experience is the best teacher

Questions?Concerns?Suggestions

I've just recently started this blogging website and have already created my first blog. Read it and let me know waft you think. I'm always open to any questions, concerns or suggestions. My job is to encourage  so if you have something your struggling with or an issue you would like me to address in one of my blogs feel free to send me a message.

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"Ready or NOT here I come"

“Ready or not here I come”

Let’s be honest. We’ve all been in that situation (or may still be in that situation) where we had the desire to be with someone who just simply did not want to be in a relationship. They said something like “I just feel like you deserve better.” “I’m not ready for the emotional responsibility that comes with relationships.” “It’s just bad timing.” However, even despite the disclaimer that was established in the beginning because us Women believe that we have some super power to change a man, we dismissed it. Newsflash, YOU CAN’T CHANGE THAT MAN!!!!!

Now I’ll be completely honest. I put myself through the same exact thing. Notice I said that “I”. The reason I said that I put myself through that is because I allowed it to happen. I got into a “situationship” with someone and after realizing that I wanted more than a friendship I presented that to him and what do you think happened? He shut me completely down (since were keeping it real). Instead of respecting the fact that he was man enough to tell me how he honestly felt I was upset but more embarrassed than anything. You mean to tell me I’ve planned our whole future in my head and you don’t want to be more than just friends right now? That wasn’t part of the plan sir. I knew that it was impossible for me to be his friend after this point because I had already fell head over heels for this boy so instead of being honest with him and walking away, I stayed because I thought he would change his mind. I allowed this to go on for months. I suppressed my feelings and forced a “friendship” because relationships are about sacrifice right? But I had forgotten one thing……..We weren’t in a relationship!!! I constantly pressured this man into being with me. I tried to dig up old hurts from his past because I felt his reasoning for not wanting to be in a relationship was contributed to his past hurts. Then I opened up to him about my past because I felt, “well maybe if he understands all the hurts that I’ve been through he will want to change my outlook on Men.” I tried a lot of things and honestly, none of them worked so there’s no need for me to continue on. I went before God and poured out my heart to him and I realized that God is not a God of confusion. I realized that if this was God’s best for me I would have peace about it. . There were even things about this man that I was settling for but I mean he was my future husband so we would just work those little details out later. At this point I knew what I had to do but what I needed to do and what I wanted to do were two different things.  So I just rolled with what I wanted to do, and that was wait for God to deal with my “husband”.  Finally, we were having a conversation and he simply said, “I just need you to realize that you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t want a relationship.” I was speechless. I honestly don’t remember if there were any words spoken after that. After that conversation I was so broken, hurt, mad and confused. Where did all of this come from????  Then all the warning signs and disclaimers just started playing back in my head and I was so upset with myself. How could I allow myself to get this point? I was mad at God because how could he close that relationship door when I was just getting started? I was mad at him because how could you destroy what we had? Then I realized that God closed that relationship door because he loved me too much to watch me self-destruct. Then I realized that if that Man would have just gave in and gave me what I wanted he would have damaged BOTH of us. He would have damaged himself because he clearly had things that he was dealing with and he would have brought all of that mess into our relationship and possibly our marriage. He would have damaged me because he wouldn’t have been able to be the Man that he could have been to me because he wouldn’t have been able to give me ALL of him. After all I was complaining about all the hurts that I had been through!  So not only do I thank God but wooooooooo I am soooooooo appreciative of that Man not damaging either one of us!!!!

 

If you’re in that situation it doesn’t matter how much time you have invested, how much you think you “love” him, or how many memories y’all have…………LET IT GO!!!!  There is always warning before destruction so pay attention before you self-destruct. See the person I was dealing with was man enough to be honest with me but that man may not be man enough to be honest with you. So you have to first forgive yourself for letting it get that far, you have to forgive him for whatever he said that made you think there could possibly be something there in the future but most importantly allow God to speak to your heart because he’s the only one who will ever completely understand you. I know being single isn’t “in” right now and you have to look at other people take the cutest pictures or hold hands out in public but you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. During this single season simply focus on you because once you get into that relationship you can no longer be selfish but have to become selfless. You have to trust that God has someone out there that is hand-picked just for you but the longer you hold onto that “friend” “random” “Mr.Cantgethislife” the longer you hold up the process. Let go and let God heal you, restore you, and fill you back up.

 

EXPERIENCE IS THE BEST TEACHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love always, Lalandra Scriven <3